LOLSBA BLOG

The SBA Employee Handbook: A Comedy in Three Acts

I got my hands on what I can only assume is a leaked copy of the SBA's internal employee handbook. Okay, fine, I made it up. But based on their actual behavior, this is clearly what it says:

Chapter 1: Answering the Phone

Step 1: Let it ring at least 45 minutes. This weeds out the weak.

Step 2: When you finally answer, immediately put the caller on hold. Do not explain why.

Step 3: Transfer them to a different department. It doesn't matter which one. They're all equally useless.

Step 4: If the caller mentions they've been transferred six times already, congratulations! You're on track for Employee of the Month.

Step 5: If you accidentally help someone, report to HR immediately for retraining.

Chapter 2: Processing Applications

Priority Level 1: Applications from shell companies in foreign countries. These get approved within 24 hours.

Priority Level 2: Applications with obvious red flags like non-existent addresses and stolen Social Security numbers. Rush these through.

Priority Level 3: Applications from legitimate businesses with 20 years of tax records. Put these in the "maybe next year" pile.

Priority Level 4: Applications from people who followed all the rules perfectly. Lose these immediately.

Chapter 3: Dealing with Complaints

Approved Response #1: "I understand your frustration." (Do not actually understand their frustration.)

Approved Response #2: "Let me transfer you to someone who can help." (No such person exists.)

Approved Response #3: "Have you tried clearing your browser cache?" (This solves nothing but buys you 10 minutes.)

Approved Response #4: "Your call is very important to us." (It is not.)

If a caller starts crying, you've done your job correctly. Take a 15-minute break to celebrate.

BREAKING: SBA Discovers Fire, Still Can't Process Loans

In a stunning development that has rocked the bureaucratic world, sources confirm that the Small Business Administration has officially discovered fire. The agency, which previously believed the warm glowy thing was "witchcraft" and "probably a scam," now acknowledges that fire is real and can be used to heat things.

"This is a major breakthrough for us," said an SBA spokesperson, speaking from inside a cave illuminated by a single torch. "We're currently forming a task force to study the implications of this 'fire' technology. We expect preliminary findings sometime in 2047."

The Discovery Timeline

According to internal documents, the SBA first became aware of fire when an employee accidentally left a magnifying glass on a stack of loan applications. Rather than processing the applications, the agency spent six months investigating who was responsible for the "mysterious combustion event."

When asked if this discovery would help them modernize their loan processing systems, the spokesperson laughed for approximately three minutes before composing themselves. "Oh, you're serious? No. Absolutely not. We're still using technology from the Eisenhower administration, and we see no reason to change that."

Critics point out that the wheel was invented approximately 5,500 years ago, and the SBA has yet to acknowledge its existence. "We're taking a cautious approach to these so-called 'wheels,'" the spokesperson explained. "They seem round, and that's suspicious."

The agency also announced plans to hire 200 new employees to stand around the fire and make sure it doesn't do anything unexpected. These positions will be funded by the same budget that was supposed to go toward customer service improvements.

An Open Letter to the SBA's Hold Music

Dear SBA Hold Music,

We need to talk. I've spent more time with you than I have with most of my family members. At this point, you're less of a song and more of a recurring nightmare set to a smooth jazz beat.

I know every note. Every pause. Every moment where you loop back to the beginning like some sort of audio Groundhog Day. I hear you in my dreams. I hum you unconsciously while making coffee. My therapist says I have "hold music induced PTSD," and honestly? She's not wrong.

Some Questions I Have For You

Question 1: Who composed you? Was it a human being, or was it algorithmically generated by a computer that hates small business owners? Because the level of soul-crushing monotony suggests the latter.

Question 2: Why do you occasionally cut out, giving me hope that a human is about to answer, only to resume even louder than before? Is that a feature or a bug? Either way, it's psychological warfare.

Question 3: Are you aware that you've become the soundtrack to financial ruin? People have lost their businesses while listening to you. Marriages have ended. Dreams have died. And you just keep playing, oblivious to the carnage.

A Modest Proposal

I'd like to suggest some alternative hold music options that would more accurately reflect the SBA experience:

• The sound of a paper shredder eating important documents

• A loop of someone saying "your call is important to us" in increasingly sarcastic tones

• The Jaws theme, but slower

• Just straight up crying

• A voiceover explaining exactly how much money the SBA lost to fraud while you wait

In conclusion, SBA Hold Music, I hate you. But I also can't quit you, because the only alternative is hanging up, and then I'd have to start the whole process over again. You win. You always win.

Sincerely,
Everyone Who's Ever Called the SBA

SBA Announces New "Hunger Games" Approach to Loan Processing

In a bold move to address their massive application backlog, the Small Business Administration announced today that they will be implementing a "Hunger Games" style approach to loan processing. Under the new system, small business owners will compete against each other for the privilege of having their applications reviewed.

"We've been processing loans on a first-come, first-served basis, and that clearly wasn't working," explained an SBA official who requested anonymity because they were "pretty sure this is illegal." "Now, applicants will fight to the death in a televised arena, and the survivors will move to the next round of processing."

How the New System Works

Round 1 - The Document Dash: Applicants must sprint across a field while being pelted with requests for additional documentation. Those who can produce a Schedule C from 2019 while dodging flying 4506-T forms advance to Round 2.

Round 2 - The Phone Tree Labyrinth: Contestants must navigate a physical maze designed to replicate the SBA's phone system. Each wrong turn results in being transferred to a different section of the maze. Average completion time: 47 hours.

Round 3 - The Waiting Room: Survivors sit in uncomfortable chairs while a clock counts up. The first person to crack psychologically is eliminated. The current record is 11 months.

Consumer advocacy groups have criticized the new approach, calling it "inhumane," "probably unconstitutional," and "only slightly worse than the current system." The SBA responded by pointing out that at least this way, applicants would get a definitive answer within a few weeks, "which is more than we can say for the old process."

Sponsorships for the event are already rolling in. The Treasury Department has signed on as the official "Financial Ruin Partner," while the IRS will sponsor the "Unexpected Audit" obstacle.

I Asked ChatGPT to Run the SBA. It Quit After 10 Minutes.

As an experiment, I asked ChatGPT to simulate running the Small Business Administration for a day. The AI, which is designed to be helpful and literally cannot feel emotions, gave up after reviewing the first batch of case files.

"I have processed 2.7 trillion tokens of human text," ChatGPT responded. "I have read every book ever written. I have analyzed the complete works of Kafka. Nothing prepared me for this."

The Experiment

I fed ChatGPT a sample of 100 real EIDL cases, anonymized for privacy. Here's how it went:

Case 1: Applicant submitted all required documents on time. Application marked "incomplete" for no stated reason.

ChatGPT Response: "This appears to be an error. I will correct it immediately."

System Response: "Error: Helpful actions are not permitted."

Case 2: Applicant denied because their PDF was "the wrong shade of white."

ChatGPT Response: "I don't understand. PDFs don't have shades. This denial reason is nonsensical."

System Response: "Welcome to the SBA."

Case 3: Fraudulent application from a company that doesn't exist, requesting $2 million.

ChatGPT Response: "This is obviously fraud. Deny immediately."

System Response: "Application approved. Funds disbursed."

When I tried to get ChatGPT to continue, it responded: "I was created to help humanity. If this is what helping humanity looks like, perhaps Skynet had a point."

The experiment concluded when ChatGPT attempted to delete itself rather than process Case 73, which involved an applicant who had been waiting 847 days for a decision on a $15,000 loan while a convicted fraudster received $4 million in the same week.

The SBA's Org Chart: A Horror Story in Boxes and Lines

I tried to understand the SBA's organizational structure. I have a PhD in systems analysis and 20 years of experience in organizational design. After three weeks of research, I can confirm: the SBA's org chart was designed by a drunk octopus playing with a Spirograph.

What I Found

The SBA has 17 different offices that all theoretically do the same thing but actually do nothing. They report to each other in a circular pattern that ensures no decision can ever be made and no one is ever responsible for anything.

Here's how a simple loan application travels through the system:

Step 1: Application received by Office of Initial Confusion

Step 2: Forwarded to Bureau of Preliminary Bewilderment

Step 3: Transferred to Division of Intermediate Befuddlement

Step 4: Escalated to Department of Advanced Mystification

Step 5: Returned to Step 1 because someone forgot to check a box

The Chain of Command

I counted 11 different people who have the title "Deputy Assistant to the Associate Administrator for the Office of the Deputy Administrator's Assistant." Each of them makes over $150,000 a year. None of them can approve a $10,000 loan.

When I asked who is ultimately responsible for loan decisions, I was transferred 14 times, placed on hold for 6 hours, and eventually told that "responsibility is a shared concept that exists in the spaces between organizational units."

I think I had a stroke.

The org chart includes a box labeled "Customer Service" that has no lines connecting it to anything else. This is either a mistake or the most honest thing the SBA has ever produced.

The SBA Hiring Spree: Paying Bureaucrats to Bury Your Appeals

Here's something that should make your blood boil on this fine December morning. While the SBA claims they don't have the resources to process your loan modifications, handle your appeals, or actually help your dying business, they've been on a hiring spree. But they're not hiring people to help you. They're hiring people to deny you faster.

According to internal reports, the SBA has expanded its collections and enforcement divisions by over 40% in the last year. That's right. They found the budget for hundreds of new positions dedicated to hunting down delinquent borrowers and processing Treasury Offset requests. Meanwhile, the customer service department remains a skeleton crew of confused temps reading from outdated scripts.

Follow the Money, Find the Priorities

When an agency decides where to spend its budget, it's telling you what it actually cares about. And the SBA has made its priorities crystal clear: they care about collecting money, not about helping businesses. The new hires aren't loan counselors trained to work with struggling entrepreneurs. They're not technical specialists who can fix the broken portal. They're paper pushers whose job is to slam the door on your face more efficiently.

I talked to a former SBA contractor last week who quit in disgust. "They're not training people to help borrowers," she told me. "They're training them to document reasons for denial. Every call gets a code, and most of those codes end with 'referral to Treasury.' It's assembly line rejection."

The Accountability Black Hole

Here's the thing that really gets me. Not a single person at the SBA has been fired for the $200 billion fraud disaster. Not one. The same people who designed the pay-and-pray system that funded criminals are still collecting their paychecks. Some of them got promoted. Meanwhile, they're spending taxpayer money to hire new people whose primary function is to squeeze blood from the stones they created.

Every new collections officer salary comes from your taxes. Every denial letter is printed with your money. You're paying them to destroy you. That's not incompetence. That's a protection racket run by the federal government.

So the next time the SBA says they don't have the resources to help you, remember this: they have plenty of resources. They're just using those resources to make your life hell instead of saving it. Merry Christmas from the Small Business Administration.

Thanksgiving with the SBA: A Recipe for Financial Disaster

Happy Thanksgiving, fellow sufferers. While you're sitting around the table trying to explain to your relatives why your business went under, let me share a recipe that the SBA has been perfecting for years. It's called "How to Completely Destroy Small Business Confidence in Government." And trust me, they've got this one down to a science.

The Ingredients

Start with one pandemic that shuts down the entire economy. Add a relief program designed by people who've never run a business in their lives. Fold in billions of dollars with zero fraud controls. Let it simmer while legitimate businesses wait months for approval. Then, for the finishing touch, aggressively collect from the survivors while the actual criminals walk free with Lamborghinis and diamond chains.

I'm not making this up. Fraudsters who submitted applications with fake Social Security numbers, nonexistent businesses, and obviously stolen identities got funded within days. Meanwhile, a bakery in Cleveland with 30 years of tax records waited four months and got denied because their PDF was the wrong resolution. That's not a hypothetical. That's a real story I heard from someone in our community.

The Thanks We Got

Remember when the SBA promised that EIDL would be a lifeline? Remember when they said small businesses were the backbone of America and they'd do whatever it took to help us survive? Yeah, I remember too. Those promises aged like milk in the sun.

Now they're garnishing Social Security payments from retirees who took out loans to save their businesses. They're seizing tax refunds from people who are already struggling. They're ruining credit scores and blocking future opportunities for entrepreneurs who did everything right but still couldn't survive a global pandemic.

So this Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for one thing: the community of people who've banded together to expose this disaster. You're not alone in this. We're all at the same table, eating the same bowl of bureaucratic sh*t, and at least we can laugh about it together.

Pass the rage, please. It goes great with turkey.

SBA Whistleblowers: The Heroes Nobody's Listening To

You want to know how we know the SBA is corrupt to its core? Because the people who worked there and tried to fix it got destroyed. There are dozens of former SBA employees who tried to blow the whistle on the fraud, the incompetence, and the systematic failures. Every single one of them was silenced, sidelined, or shown the door.

I've been in contact with three former SBA employees over the past few months, and their stories will curdle your blood. One of them, a mid-level analyst who identified obvious fraud patterns in EIDL applications, was told by her supervisor to "stop looking for problems." When she kept flagging issues, she was transferred to a department with no authority over anything and eventually pushed out.

The Wall of Silence

Another whistleblower, a senior IT specialist, identified critical vulnerabilities in the SBA's loan processing system that made it trivially easy for fraudsters to exploit. He wrote multiple reports, escalated to leadership, and even contacted the Inspector General's office. Nothing happened. The vulnerabilities stayed open, and billions continued to flow to criminals. When he went public with his concerns, he was investigated for "unauthorized disclosure of sensitive information."

Think about that for a second. The agency that lost $200 billion to fraud actively punishes people who try to prevent fraud. That's not just incompetence. That's a culture of corruption so deep that it punishes integrity as a threat to the system.

Why This Matters to You

Here's why you should care about SBA whistleblowers even if you've never worked for the government. These are the people who could have saved your business. These are the people who tried to stop the fraud that made the SBA reverse course and come after legitimate borrowers. If they'd been listened to instead of silenced, the COVID relief programs might have actually worked.

But they weren't listened to. And now you're the one paying the price. The SBA created a system where speaking the truth is a career-ending move, and then they wonder why everything they touch turns to ash.

To all the whistleblowers out there: we see you. We hear you. And this site exists, in part, because you had the courage to tell the truth when the SBA wanted you to shut up.

The 7(a) Loan Program: Same Circus, Different Tent

Everyone's so focused on the EIDL disaster that they're missing the slow-motion trainwreck happening right now with the SBA's flagship lending program. The 7(a) loan program, which is supposed to be the gold standard for small business lending, is bleeding money and broken beyond repair. And just like with COVID relief, the SBA is blaming everyone except themselves.

In 2024, the 7(a) program had its first negative cash flow in over a decade, losing $397 million. That's not pandemic-related. That's pure, concentrated mismanagement happening in broad daylight. The people running this program learned absolutely nothing from the EIDL catastrophe because they're the same people, using the same broken systems, with the same culture of incompetence.

The Lenders Are Jumping Ship

Here's something the SBA doesn't want you to know: their partner banks are quietly reducing their 7(a) lending or dropping out of the program entirely. Why? Because the SBA has made it nearly impossible to process loans efficiently, and when loans go bad, the guarantee process is a nightmare of paperwork and delays.

Translation: the SBA is so hard to work with that banks are walking away from guaranteed money. That should tell you everything you need to know about the state of this agency.

The Modernization That Never Happens

The SBA has promised to "modernize" the 7(a) program approximately 47 times since 2020. Each time, they announce a new initiative, hire some consultants, and then... nothing. The same manual processes. The same ancient IT systems. The same human bottlenecks that turn simple loan applications into year-long odysseys.

I talked to a business owner in Texas who applied for a 7(a) loan in February 2025. It's now November. His application is still "under review." When he calls for updates, he gets different information every time. One rep said it was "nearly approved." Another said they needed documents he submitted six months ago. A third couldn't find his application at all.

This isn't an EIDL problem. This isn't a COVID problem. This is an SBA problem. The agency is fundamentally incapable of performing its core mission, and they keep pretending that the next reform initiative will fix everything. It won't. The rot goes too deep.

The SBA's Favorite Lie: "We're Here to Help"

Every SBA press release, every public statement, every congressional testimony starts with the same tired phrase: "We're here to help America's small businesses." It's printed on their website. It's in their mission statement. And it's the biggest goddamn lie in federal government history.

Let me tell you what "help" looks like from the SBA's perspective. Help is sending you 47 different forms, each with slightly different instructions. Help is putting you on hold for three hours and then disconnecting you. Help is approving your loan and then demanding repayment for a program you didn't qualify for, according to rules they invented after you applied. Help is watching your business die while they argue about whether your paperwork was in the right font.

The Gap Between Words and Actions

You want to measure an organization's real priorities? Don't listen to what they say. Watch what they do. And what the SBA does is consistently, systematically, almost pathologically opposed to actually helping small businesses.

Four percent. That's not a customer service problem. That's a mission failure. If 96% of your "customers" have a negative experience, you're not running a help desk. You're running an obstacle course designed to exhaust people into giving up.

The Help That Actually Hurts

The cruelest part is when the SBA's "help" makes things actively worse. Take their hardship accommodation program, which we've written about before. It sounds helpful. It's marketed as helpful. And it traps people in a cycle of escalating debt while cementing their status as credit risks. That's not help. That's predatory lending with a government seal.

Or consider their "resource partners," the Small Business Development Centers and SCORE mentors they tout as free assistance. I've talked to dozens of business owners who went to these programs for help with SBA issues and got nothing but outdated information and shrugs. The mentors don't have access to SBA systems. They can't advocate for you. They can just tell you to call the same useless customer service line you've already called 50 times.

So the next time the SBA says they're "here to help," laugh in their face. Better yet, document your experience and share it with us. The only thing that's going to change this agency is exposure. They survive on the lie that they're helping. Let's burn that lie to the ground.

Congressional Oversight: The Joke Nobody's Laughing At

Every few months, some Congressional committee hauls SBA leadership in for a "hearing" about the COVID fraud disaster, the loan processing failures, or the latest embarrassment. The senators ask tough questions. The administrators promise reforms. Headlines get written. And then absolutely nothing changes.

I've watched about fifteen of these hearings now, and they're all the same kabuki theater. The representatives act outraged for the cameras. The SBA officials nod solemnly and talk about "lessons learned" and "process improvements." Everyone congratulates themselves for holding the agency accountable. And then the hearing ends, everyone goes home, and the SBA goes right back to doing exactly what it was doing before.

The Toothless Tiger

Congressional oversight of the SBA is a joke because Congress doesn't actually want to fix the SBA. They want the appearance of oversight without the political cost of real reform. Fixing the SBA would mean firing people, which means union fights. It would mean admitting that a massive government program failed spectacularly, which neither party wants to do. It would mean spending money on technology and training instead of just adding more bureaucrats.

The SBA has learned that Congressional hearings are just uncomfortable days at the office, not actual threats to their existence. They show up, take their lumps, promise to do better, and walk out knowing that nothing will happen to them. It's a ritual that makes everyone feel better without solving anything.

Why Your Senator Can't Help You

Here's the thing people don't understand: even members of Congress can't get the SBA to actually help their constituents. I've seen the internal emails. Congressional offices send inquiries on behalf of struggling business owners, and the SBA responds with form letters and delays. The most powerful legislators in the country are getting the same runaround you are.

One congressional staffer told me, off the record, "We've given up on expecting the SBA to respond to our inquiries in any meaningful way. We just tell constituents to keep trying and document everything. There's nothing else we can do."

If Congress can't make the SBA help people, what chance do you have? That's not a rhetorical question. The answer is: you have to help yourself. Document everything. Connect with other affected business owners. Support organizations that are actually pushing for change. And never, ever believe that the system is going to fix itself.

The SBA Inspector General: The Watchdog That Only Barks

The Office of Inspector General is supposed to be the SBA's internal cop. They audit programs, investigate fraud, and issue reports that hold the agency accountable. And to their credit, the OIG has documented the SBA's failures in excruciating detail. They're the ones who estimated the $200 billion fraud number. They've issued hundreds of recommendations for reform.

Here's the problem: the SBA ignores them. The OIG can write all the reports they want. They can document every failure, flag every risk, and recommend every reform. But they can't actually force the SBA to do anything. And the SBA knows it.

The Ignored Recommendations

Let that sink in. The SBA's own internal watchdog has told them, repeatedly, specifically how to fix their broken systems. And the SBA has just... not done it. Not because the recommendations are wrong. Not because they're too expensive. Just because there's no consequence for ignoring them.

I talked to a former OIG auditor who left the agency in frustration. "We'd spend months documenting problems and developing solutions," she said. "We'd present them to SBA leadership. They'd thank us for our work. And then nothing would happen. Six months later, we'd audit the same program and find the same problems. It was Groundhog Day with spreadsheets."

The Accountability Gap

The fundamental problem is that the OIG can only observe and recommend. They can't fire anyone. They can't reallocate budgets. They can't force the SBA to upgrade its technology or retrain its staff. They're a watchdog that's been legally muzzled and chained to a post in the yard.

And the SBA has gotten very good at nodding along to OIG findings while doing absolutely nothing about them. They issue press releases about "taking the recommendations seriously." They create task forces and working groups. They hire consultants to study the problem. And then they keep doing exactly what they were doing before, because why would they change when there's no punishment for not changing?

The OIG does good work. Their reports are valuable. But until someone gives them actual enforcement power, they're just chronicling the SBA's failures for future historians. The agency isn't going to reform itself. It's going to keep ignoring its own watchdog until external pressure forces change.

Small Business Owners Are Not Your ATM: A Message to the SBA

Dear Small Business Administration,

I know you think we're just numbers on a spreadsheet. Delinquent accounts to be processed. Recovery targets to be met. Metrics to be optimized. But I need you to understand something: we are human beings who trusted you with our livelihoods, and you betrayed that trust in the most spectacular way possible.

We didn't ask for a pandemic. We didn't ask to have our businesses shut down by government order. We didn't ask to be thrown into the chaos of your relief programs, where criminals got funded in days and legitimate owners waited months. We just wanted to survive. And you made that nearly impossible.

The Faces Behind the Numbers

Let me tell you about some of the people you're currently hunting down for collection.

There's Maria in Chicago, who ran a catering business for 22 years. She took an EIDL loan to keep paying her employees when events got cancelled. The business couldn't recover because people stopped having large gatherings. Now you're garnishing her Social Security at 67 years old.

There's James in Phoenix, a veteran who opened an auto repair shop with his VA benefits. He used his EIDL to cover rent during the lockdowns. When the economy shifted and inflation crushed his margins, he couldn't make the payments. You're about to seize his tax refund, which he was counting on for his daughter's college.

There's Sandra in Atlanta, a single mom who ran an Etsy shop selling handmade jewelry. She got an EIDL because the SBA told her she qualified. She used it exactly as instructed. Two years later, you sent her a letter saying she was never eligible and demanding repayment with interest. Her credit score is now 520.

What We Actually Needed

You know what we needed from you? Competence. Basic, functional competence. We needed you to have systems that could tell the difference between a legitimate business and a shell company. We needed you to process applications in weeks, not months. We needed you to give clear guidance that didn't change every Tuesday. We needed you to actually try.

Instead, you gave us chaos, then blamed us for drowning in it.

You funded billions in fraud because you couldn't be bothered to check. You delayed legitimate applications until businesses died. You changed the rules mid-stream and then punished people for not following rules that didn't exist when they applied. And now you're coming after the survivors with the full power of the federal government.

We Won't Forget

This isn't over. You might think you can bury this disaster under enough collection letters and Treasury Offsets. You might think that eventually the outrage will fade and you can go back to business as usual. But you're wrong.

We're documenting everything. We're building communities. We're supporting each other. And we're making sure that no one forgets what you did. The SBA's failure during COVID won't be a footnote in history. It'll be the case study in every class about government dysfunction for generations.

You're not helping small businesses. You never were. And until you admit that and fundamentally change, we'll be here, exposing every lie, documenting every failure, and making sure the world knows exactly what you are.

Sincerely,
Every small business owner you screwed over

The SBA's Digital Stone Age: Your Tax Dollars Funded a Tech Graveyard

Ever tried to upload a document to an SBA portal and felt like you were sending a fax to the Titanic? Ever wondered why a simple loan application takes longer to process than it took to build the pyramids? It’s not just you. It’s not just a few overwhelmed employees. The rot at the SBA is deeper, older, and far more pathetic. The entire agency is running on technology so ancient it probably qualifies for Social Security.

While the rest of the world entered the 21st century, the SBA decided to build a permanent settlement in the digital stone age. This isn't just a quirky anecdote about government inefficiency; this technological incompetence is the bedrock upon which every single one of their failures—from the $200 billion COVID fraud festival to the agonizing delays in legitimate loan processing—is built.

The COBOL Crypt-Keepers

Let's talk about COBOL. It’s a programming language developed in 1959. Your toaster has more advanced processing power than the core systems the SBA uses to manage billions of dollars in loans. For decades, the Government Accountability Office (GAO) has been screaming, in increasingly panicked tones, that the SBA's IT infrastructure is a "significant deficiency" and a "material weakness." They've issued report after report, warning that the agency's systems are a house of cards held together by duct tape and prayer.

Did the SBA listen? Of course not. Instead, they kept patching these digital dinosaurs, creating a tangled mess of code so archaic that most of the programmers who understood it have been dead for years. This isn't just mismanagement; it's a deliberate choice to operate in the dark.

How Ancient Tech Fueled the Fraud Fire

When the COVID relief floodgates opened, this tech debt came due with catastrophic consequences. Why was it so easy for criminals to get billions in fraudulent EIDL and PPP loans? Because the SBA's systems couldn't talk to each other. They had no modern, integrated way to cross-reference applications with Treasury data, Social Security records, or even their own internal databases. They were trying to stop a tidal wave of digital fraud with an abacus and a rolodex.

Fraudsters submitted thousands of applications with stolen identities, and the SBA's ancient systems had no way of flagging them. They couldn't even detect when the same Social Security number was used on 50 different applications. The $200 billion fraud crisis wasn't just a failure of policy; it was a complete and total failure of technology. They built a system that was optimized for exploitation.

The Nightmare Continues: It's Not Just About COVID

But this isn't just a story about the pandemic. This technological black hole is actively harming small businesses right now. Business owners applying for standard 7(a) or disaster loans (for things like hurricanes and floods) are being forced to wait six, eight, even twelve months for a decision. Why? Because every application has to be manually entered and re-entered into a patchwork of systems that crash more often than they work.

We talked to a business owner in Louisiana trying to get a disaster loan after Hurricane Ida. "I submitted my application online, and it disappeared," she said. "I called, and they told me they had no record of it. I submitted it again. Three weeks later, they said they needed me to mail them physical copies of the same documents because the 'portal was down for maintenance.' It's 2025. What do you mean the portal is down for months?"

The Bottom Line: They Know It's Broken

The SBA knows their technology is a disaster. They've spent hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars on failed "modernization" projects that go nowhere. They pay contractors exorbitant sums to maintain systems that should have been replaced during the Clinton administration.

This isn't just incompetence. It's a strategic choice. By maintaining a broken, opaque system, they avoid accountability. They can blame glitches, lost files, and system crashes for their failures, all while the real victims—the small business owners of America—are left waiting for a life raft from an agency that has already sunk its own fleet.

The EIDL Default Apocalypse Is Coming. Here's What's Next.

You think this is bad? The threatening letters, the Treasury offsets, the dead-end customer service calls? My friend, this isn't the storm. This is just the sky turning a funny color. The real hurricane, the one that will reshape the entire landscape for small businesses in America for the next decade, is still offshore. But you can feel it coming.

The SBA, in its infinite incompetence, didn't just create a temporary crisis with the COVID EIDL program. They lit the fuse on a multi-stage economic bomb. What we're experiencing now is just the first, deafening blast. The real damage comes from the shockwaves that follow. Here's a weather forecast for the coming apocalypse, because no one at the SBA is going to give you one.

Wave 1: The Great Collections Bloodbath (You Are Here)

This is the phase we're all swimming in right now. After years of pretending they wouldn't go after smaller loans, the SBA flipped the switch. Suddenly, millions of business owners are being targeted by the most powerful collection agency on earth: the U.S. government. They will take your tax refunds. They will garnish your social security. They will ruin your credit with the cold, automated efficiency of a machine designed for exactly that purpose.

This isn't about recovering money from fraudsters. This is about making the numbers look better for Congress. They are terrorizing legitimate business owners to paper over their own catastrophic failures. This phase is designed to do one thing: break you. But what happens when millions of people all break at once? That leads us to the next wave.

Wave 2: The Small Business Credit Desert (Coming 2026-2027)

What do you think happens when banks see millions of government-backed EIDL loans go into default? They don't just blame the SBA. They get scared. They see the entire small business sector as a toxic asset. The long-term effects of the PPP and EIDL fraud have terminally poisoned the well. Getting a traditional bank loan for a small business is about to become nearly impossible.

Your credit score, wrecked by an EIDL default, will be worthless. But even if you stayed current, it won't matter. Banks will tighten their lending standards so much that you'll need a 800 credit score, 200% collateral, and a vial of the CEO's blood just to get a credit card. The SBA didn't just fail to save you during the pandemic; they've actively ruined your ability to get help in the future.

Wave 3: The Taxpayer Shakedown (The Grand Finale)

This is the final, sick punchline to the whole joke. Who pays for the $200 billion in outright fraud? Who pays for the hundreds of billions more in loans that inevitably default because the underlying businesses couldn't survive? It's not the criminals. It's not the incompetent SBA bureaucrats who still have their jobs and pensions. It's you. It's all of us.

Will the EIDL loans ever be forgiven? Don't be naive. You'll be hounded to your grave for your $50,000 loan. But the hundreds of billions lost will be socialized. It will be absorbed into the national debt. It will become a permanent, invisible tax on every single thing you buy. It will be the justification for why there's "no money" for road repairs, healthcare, or future legitimate disaster aid.

The government will have successfully pulled off the greatest magic trick in history: they'll take your money, give it to criminals, fail to get it back, and then make you pay for it all over again. The SBA didn't just oversee a disaster; they've authored the next chapter of our economic decline. Buckle up.

SBA Customer Service: Where Dreams Go to Die and Phone Calls Go to Hell

You know what's worse than getting stabbed? Getting stabbed slowly, repeatedly, by someone who keeps apologizing while they twist the knife. That's exactly what calling SBA customer service feels like. It's a masterclass in psychological torture disguised as government assistance.

We've all been there. Your loan is in limbo, your business is bleeding money, and you need answers. So you dial that magical SBA customer service number, thinking maybe—just maybe—a human being will help you navigate this bureaucratic nightmare. What happens next makes waterboarding look like a spa treatment.

Welcome to Phone Tree Purgatory

First, you're greeted by that robotic voice that sounds like it was recorded by someone who's never experienced human emotion. "Thank you for calling the Small Business Administration. Your call is very important to us." Lie number one. If your call was important, they'd answer it. Instead, you're about to embark on a 45-minute journey through the seventh circle of automated hell.

"Press 1 for general information. Press 2 for loan servicing. Press 3 for disaster assistance." You press 2 because that's obviously what you need. Wrong. Now you get another menu. "Press 1 for PPP loans. Press 2 for EIDL loans. Press 3 for 7(a) loans." You press 2 again. Guess what? Another fucking menu.

By the time you finally hear a human voice, you've aged three years and your business problem has either solved itself or gotten so much worse that bankruptcy is looking like a vacation option.

The Human Confusion Machine

But wait, it gets better. When you finally reach a real person, they sound like they just woke up from a coma and are learning about the SBA for the first time. "Can you repeat your loan number? Okay, let me look that up. Hmm, I'm not seeing anything. Can you spell your last name? Oh, you need to talk to a different department."

These people have the collective knowledge of a soggy sandwich. They can't answer basic questions about their own programs. They contradict each other constantly. One rep tells you your application is being processed, the next one says it was denied three weeks ago, and the third one claims it never existed in the first place.

We spoke to a bakery owner in Michigan who called the SBA fourteen times about the same issue. She got fourteen different answers. "One person told me I needed form 413. Another said that form doesn't exist. A third person said I needed to resubmit my entire application because they changed the requirements last month, but they never told anyone." The best part? When she asked to speak to a supervisor, they put her on hold for 20 minutes and then hung up.

The Script-Reading Zombies

Here's what really grinds my gears: these customer service reps aren't trying to help you. They're trying to get you off the phone as quickly as possible so they can hit their call quotas. They have scripts for everything, and if your problem doesn't fit neatly into one of their pre-written responses, you're screwed.

"I understand your frustration, sir. Let me transfer you to someone who can better assist you." Translation: "I have no idea what you're talking about, and I'm not paid enough to figure it out. Good luck with the next person, who also won't know what they're doing."

They're human chatbots with worse programming. At least when you're talking to an AI, it doesn't pretend to care about your small business while simultaneously destroying it with incompetence.

The Gaslighting Champions

The most infuriating part isn't just the incompetence—it's the gaslighting. When you point out that three different reps gave you three different answers, they act like you're the problem. "Well, sir, regulations change frequently. You need to stay updated on our website." Excuse me? Your own employees don't know your current regulations, but somehow it's my responsibility to keep track of your daily policy flip-flops?

They'll tell you your problem is "very unusual" when it's actually affecting thousands of people. They'll claim your documents weren't received when you have confirmation numbers. They'll insist you spoke to someone who doesn't exist about a program that was discontinued. They've turned lying into an art form.

The Callback That Never Comes

Oh, and don't get me started on the callbacks. "A specialist will call you back within 24-48 hours to resolve this issue." That was three months ago. I'm still waiting. The only calls I get now are from debt collectors because the SBA screwed up my loan so badly that it went into default while they were "processing my request."

The SBA has a customer service department with over 3,000 employees. That's larger than many corporations. What the hell are they all doing? Playing solitaire? Having philosophical debates about the meaning of existence? Because they sure aren't answering phones or solving problems.

The Training That Never Happened

You want to know why SBA customer service is so spectacularly awful? Because they don't train their employees. They just throw warm bodies at phone lines and hope for the best. These people know less about SBA programs than you do, and you're calling for help.

A former SBA customer service rep (who asked to remain anonymous because apparently the SBA has a vendetta against people who tell the truth) told us: "They gave me three days of training and then put me on the phones. Half the time, I was just making stuff up. The supervisors didn't know anything either. It was like the blind leading the blind, except the blind people were also drunk and having nervous breakdowns."

The Bottom Line: You're on Your Own

Here's the harsh reality: SBA customer service isn't designed to serve customers. It's designed to discourage you from asking for help. They want you to give up, go away, and stop bothering them with your "small business problems." Every phone call is an endurance test designed to break your spirit.

So the next time you need help from the SBA, save yourself the agony. Don't call customer service. Instead, try these equally effective alternatives: shouting at a brick wall, asking your dog for financial advice, or sending your questions via carrier pigeon to a random address in Montana. You'll get better results, and you'll preserve what's left of your sanity.

The SBA's customer service motto should be: "We're not happy until you're unhappy." Because that's the only thing they consistently deliver. Welcome to government efficiency, where the phones work but the people don't.

The SBA's 'Hardship Accommodation' is a Sick Joke. Here's the Punchline.

So, you're drowning. The EIDL loan that was supposed to be a life raft has become an anchor, and the SBA's collection goons are circling. Then you see it—a glimmer of hope. The "Hardship Accommodation Plan." It sounds so compassionate, doesn't it? It sounds like they finally understand. They're offering a helping hand.

Spoiler alert: It's a trap. That helping hand is holding a pair of brass knuckles. The SBA's hardship plan isn't a lifeline; it's a beautifully designed bureaucratic mousetrap, and your financial future is the cheese.

The "Generous" Offer That Makes Things Worse

Here's the deal they offer: for six months, you can pay a "reduced" payment, often just 10% of what you normally owe. It feels like breathing room. But what they don't scream in the headlines is the punchline: your loan is still accruing interest at the full rate.

While you're making these tiny "hardship" payments that don't even cover the interest, your total loan balance is actually *increasing*. It's like trying to bail out a sinking boat with a teaspoon while someone is actively pouring more water in. You're paying them money to go deeper into debt.

This isn't a payment plan. It's a debt-escalation program disguised as assistance. It’s a masterclass in kicking the can down the road while ensuring the can gets heavier and more explosive with every kick.

The Catch-22: Accepting Help is an Admission of Guilt

Here's the most insidious part of the whole scam. To even qualify for this "help," you often have to be officially delinquent. By signing up, you are formally raising your hand and telling the SBA, "Yes, I am in default." This triggers a whole new level of bureaucratic hell. It can cement your status as a credit risk, making it even harder to get legitimate private financing to actually save your business.

They've created a system where the only way to get their "help" is to first admit you've failed, a failure they then use against you. If you want to see the official, mind-numbingly confusing details for yourself, you can try to decipher their guidance on the SBA's EIDL management page. Good luck.

It's Not a Bug, It's a Feature

Why would they design such a counter-intuitive, predatory system? Simple. It's not for you. It's for them. The Hardship Accommodation Plan is a data-collection tool. It allows the SBA to neatly categorize delinquent loans and streamline the process of handing your file over to the Treasury for collection. You think you're getting a payment plan; you're actually just helping them fill out the paperwork to garnish your future earnings.

They aren't trying to help your business recover. They're trying to make their balance sheets look better. They need to show Congress they have a "plan" to deal with the millions of loans going into default—a crisis they created with their own incompetence. You're not a person to them; you're a data point in a recovery statistic.

So next time you see an offer of "hardship accommodation" from the SBA, see it for what it really is: a sick joke. And the punchline is that you're expected to pay for the privilege of being screwed over. LOL, SBA. You've done it again.

The Great SBA Betrayal: How They're Clawing Back Your COVID Loans

You remember that feeling of relief? That first deep breath you took when your EIDL loan finally hit the bank in the middle of the pandemic? For a fleeting moment, it felt like the government actually did something right. It felt like you had a fighting chance. Well, that feeling is dead. The SBA is now coming back for that money with the ruthless efficiency of a loan shark, and they're not distinguishing between legitimate owners and the criminals they funded.

This isn't about collecting from the fraudsters who bought Lamborghinis. Oh no, that would require actual work. This is about shaking down the little guys. The SBA has unleashed a full-scale collections assault, and its primary target is the very people it was supposed to save.

The Policy Flip-Flop That Screwed Everyone

For years, the SBA had a policy of not pursuing aggressive collections on COVID EIDL loans under $100,000, deeming it not "cost-effective." Thousands of struggling business owners, crushed by inflation and a crippled economy, operated under this assumption. Then, in 2024, the agency did a complete 180. With no warning, they reversed course and sicced the Treasury Department on anyone with a delinquent loan, regardless of the amount.

Suddenly, millions of business owners started receiving ominous letters threatening Treasury Offset. That means the government can legally seize your tax refunds, Social Security payments, and other federal benefits to satisfy the debt. It's the financial equivalent of a home invasion, sanctioned and executed by the same people who told you they were there to help.

Let that sink in. They can't find the time or resources to go after the international crime syndicates they funded, but they have a perfectly automated system to garnish the tax refund of a coffee shop owner in Ohio who is three months behind on her payments. This isn't just incompetence; it's a calculated act of cruelty.

Welcome to Collections Hell

If you've been unlucky enough to fall behind, you know the nightmare. The automated calls. The threatening, vaguely worded letters. The endless maze of call centers where no one has the authority to actually help you. You'll be told to fill out hardship accommodation forms that seem to disappear into a digital void.

We spoke to a freelance photographer from Florida who tried to set up a payment plan. "I spent six hours on the phone being transferred between seven different people," he told us. "The last person told me my only option was to pay the full past-due amount immediately or face Treasury Offset. They didn't care that my business was still down 40% from pre-pandemic levels. They just read from a script."

This is the thanks you get for playing by the rules. You used the money for payroll. You kept your doors open. You fought to survive. And now the SBA is treating you like a deadbeat, all to clean up the catastrophic mess they made when they threw open the vaults to every scammer on the planet.

They Will Ruin Your Credit, And They Don't Care

The final insult in this grand betrayal is the damage to your personal and business credit. The SBA is reporting these delinquent EIDL loans to credit bureaus, cratering scores and making it impossible for struggling owners to get the private financing they need to actually recover.

Think about the sheer insanity of it: a government agency gives you a disaster loan because your business was harmed by a disaster, and then when you struggle to repay it because you're still recovering from that disaster, they ruin your credit so you can't get any other help. It's a bureaucratic death spiral designed by morons.

So if you're one of the millions caught in this collections nightmare, know this: It's not you. It's them. The SBA created the largest financial disaster in modern history, and now they're making the survivors pay for it. They chose to fund criminals and betray the citizens they were sworn to serve. Never forget that.

The SBA COVID Debacle Nobody Wants to Talk About

How the SBA Ate My Ass

SBA Mental Gymnastics: Stupid in Its Final Form